Funny Quotes – Enjoy

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.